A Whirlwind Romance

Posted by Innocent Man as Our Backstory

I met the most beautiful woman in the world on December 10th, 2006 in York region. I had moved there 4 months earlier, and did not really know anyone. In an effort to meet people I spent some of my time at a popular local watering hole. I was staying with a family member while I established myself in my new surroundings and after a fairly long day, came home to discover that he had invited over a female friend that I can only describe as toxic.

That description is not entirely fair because she has a disease known as bipolar disorder, something that is fairly common (apparently Britney Spears was diagnosed with this, and was the reason she was irrational for a time in late 2007, early 2008) but with proper medication can be treated. However some of the types of medications that are prescribed are not to be mixed with alcohol (something my family member knew all to well, but which did not prevent him from providing her a lot of, for his own reasons) and some sufferers self medicate with alcohol instead of taking there doctor prescribed medications.

From past bad experiences with the two I decided that rather than spend even a second with them to leave instead and grab a bite to eat at my local. I walked in rather distracted, quickly sat down and ordered a pint of beer and menu, and was pretty much consumed with thought about how I had ended up where I currently was.

I looked up briefly from my pint of very cold Alexander Keith’s, and took a scan of the place to see a couple (who I had assumed were together) sitting at the end of the bar talking about starting a game of darts. When someone describes love at first sight it normally means lust at first sight by one or the other party exclusively. This I would later learn, was not the case at all. I overheard the woman tell her male companion that she did not have a set of darts. I’d like to say that I am always prepared for every event that takes place, but those that know me know that I just like to pretend that I am. This time however, as fate would have it, I actually was.

I’m somewhat of a decent dart player (301 for those that know the game) and always carry my own because bar darts are notorious for being useless unless you are intentionally aiming for something other than the dart board or floor. I casually spoke up and told the woman of the duo that she could borrow mine, and then she asked if I would consider playing the winner. I agreed and joined the couple hoping to gather a little more information about them, but more so, the woman.

Fate again smiled on me that day when I discovered that the two were only friends and that she had also recently moved to the neighbourhood after having originally grown up in York Region and eventually coming back and moving in with family members herself. What better way to get to know the neighbourhood than from someone that used to live here, I thought to myself. I was pretty confident that I would run into her again, so when the bar was about to close I said goodbye and went home. For those wondering, her friend won the game between them, and then I played and lost to him as well…a severe damage to the ego of a man trying to impress a woman.

About a week later, I found myself back at the local enjoying another very cold pint of beer, only to receive a light tap on my shoulder within my first few sips. When I turned, it was her. She had been sitting at the bar alone when I had entered and because it was fairly packed, I hadn’t noticed her sitting there, but she had seen me. She asked whether I would care to join her when the crowd made it possible, to which I quickly agreed and waited…patiently. I didn’t have to wait too long and I eventually made my way over and sat next to her. She had a smile on her face and asked me what took so long. We enjoyed the usual casual conversation a first meeting alone brings, but the night passed a little too quickly and soon the bar was about to close.

I’m not the type of person that constantly goes to bars to drink and be merry, so earlier in the week I had bought a case of my other favorite beer (Lakeport Pilsner) to have at home instead. After unsuccessfully convincing the bar manager to pour us one last pint each before closing, I asked whether or not she would like to join me at my place for a drink instead. Much to my surprise she said yes, and off we went to continue our conversation.

I quickly learned that she was as interested in me as I was in her, and what was supposed to be only a shared beer or two, turned into a whole weekend. During the first night it had gotten pretty late (or early morning) depending on your point of view, and she asked if it was okay that she stay at my place so she could get some rest before heading home to her family. She confessed that they might be a little angry if she came home late smelling like alcohol, something that would become much more important later on than I knew at the time. As I said earlier, she never actually went home until the end of the weekend so it wasn’t really an issue I paid much mind to.

During our time together that weekend I learned many great things about her. She was the same age as me, had a son, and had what I can only describe as having been through many similar life situations that I had experienced as well. It was perfect…she was perfect. I also found out that weekend from my family member that one of his friends was holding an open house/customer appreciation event at another local bar and I was invited along with a date. I asked whether or not she would like to go with me and she agreed.

We dated for the 3 weeks before New Years and when the time came to ask her out on that night I was at the point where I was confident that she would say yes, but still worried that she might be busy or have other plans. As luck would have it the former was the course of events, and we went to the place of our first meeting. We had a long talk that night about the future, we were both falling in love with the other at that point but during our conversation I found out she would be moving soon to Durham region to be closer to her son. She and her ex shared joint custody and it just made sense for her to be closer so that he wouldn’t have to split up his time in two different cities. As the product of a divorce myself I completely understood and we decided to let the relationship progress anyway and see where things went. I was self employed so I could pretty much go anywhere I wanted, and a move to Durham might be the fresh start I was looking for and was something I shared with her.

Around mid January things were still going strong and she told me that her family members were about to take a vacation for two weeks and that she would be at home alone. She asked whether or not I would like to stay with her there while they were gone. Only a fool would say no to that, and we spent the next two weeks living together and learning each others quirks as well as deep dark secrets. I’m not going to go into all of them except the most important one, because as it turns out, it’s a major player in this story.

She sat me down one night and told me why she was in fact staying with her family. She had recently been in treatment for alcohol abuse as a result of self medicating after being diagnosed with severe depression, anxiety and mood swings similar to the symptoms of bipolar disorder. In fact the medication that she was prescribed was identical to what is prescribed for some types of bipolar disease. I was shocked to say the least, but only because I would never have suspected. I had experience with others (see above) that had bipolar, and coupled with the fact that she had been drinking alcohol during our courtship and everything seemed perfectly fine and she acted unlike anyone I knew with the disorder. I still remember what I told her after her confession, I’m falling in love with you and it doesn’t matter as long as you are getting help that is working. Which to me, was the truth.

During the weeks that passed, we spent every waking moment that we could together and I got to meet her son as well as her family members. We shared meals, attended family events, and all of us grew closer together. Soon, I felt like a member of the family. Then we both got some news that not only made us happy, but scared us at the same time.

After a missed period and a test we discovered that we were pregnant. Although it was an unplanned event, we had already discussed the possibility of getting married after we had settled into our own place. The news required a family meeting, where we all sat down and discussed options and the future. One of those discussions was whether or not she could continue taking her medications because there were side effects that may cause the unborn baby harm. After numerous consultations with doctors, we were told that the side effects would be so minimal that it wouldn’t be worth it to discontinue the medication and risk having her symptom return, especially during a pregnancy that already puts hormones on edge.

The next 2 months was a whirlwind for both of us. We decided to find a small place in the area because of the existing support we were already using in the area, including regular weekly visits from a York Region care worker that specialized in depression, and that would work with me so I could identify any symptoms quickly, as well as quick access to the hospital for regular check-ups. The added bonus was that she had a pre-existing relationship with the doctor that would deliver our baby and he was fully aware of the medications she was taking. I also started a contract job in addition to my business that would allow me to continue to work from home and help out whenever needed. Simultaneously we planned our wedding and got married 3 months later, one of the happiest days of our lives.

The next 6 months were not without it’s ups and downs, but we worked through all of them and in late fall our son was born healthly and happy. My contract was extended so I again had the added benefit of being able to watch him grow up in his first few months and see him develop into the little boy he would become. I continued to work with family doctors and the York Region care workers during the postpartum months, as this time period was also to be carefully monitored. After the birth and as before, we would occasionally share a drink or two without any occurance…until one night.

For those that are reading this, one of the symptoms I was warned to be on the look out for was despondence. Despondence is defined as a feeling or spell of dismally low spirits, and the sufferer starts to display sad feelings of gloom, doom and inadequacy. This can happen during the postpartum months without a diagnosis of another disease, and does affect approximately 15% of women who have given birth. However in this case I was told to be on the look out for an obvious and immediate shift in mood from despondence to uncontrollable anger or irrational behaviour.

On this night, that is exactly what happened. Carefully following the instructions that I was given by the York Region care worker I dialed 911 and requested an ambulance so that my wife could be taken to the hospital so that she could be properly monitored and her medications adjusted. Something I was told that might have to happen if the current medications stopped working. Instead of sending an ambulance however, the 911 operator sent 2 York Region police officers to investigate. I spoke to them fairly briefly and they also questioned my wife, who after seeing the officers seemed to snap out of the episode and calmed down. They left without incident with the understanding that postpartum and medications were probably the cause, and my wife was never taken to the hospital.

During the next visit from the York Region care worker I informed her of what had happened and she was incensed and filed a complaint. The episode I’m told, could have been a lot worse and was not handled properly. She immediately scheduled an appointment for my wife to have her medications adjusted or outright changed but before the latter (which ended up being the case) could be done, more frequent but fairly minor episodes began to occur.

Eventually a new type of medication was prescribed, but left my wife in an almost catatonic zombie like state. After trying the medication for the duration that it was supposed to start working and still being left immobile, she decided to discontinue taking it. She felt that she was missing too much of the joys of motherhood and that I was being overworked trying to do everything while the medication took hold. I have to admit, I was getting physically and emotionally drained, and I missed my wife very much, even though she was there in body. Shortly after discontinuing her medication and the majority of her symptoms started to reappear in full force, my wife began to slowly self-medicate with alcohol.

It is hard to express what we both went through during the next few months. My wife was drinking regularly and eventually to avoid the arguements before they began, I became complacent and just provided her with the alcohol she requested. As a result I myself started drinking more often as an escape.

Although the story so far seemingly points the finger at my wife, that is not really the case, she has a well documented disease. It takes two to tango the saying goes. The more I drank the more angry with the situation I got, and the more arguements we had. Finally after living for a year in our place and with our lease coming up for renewal, I decided instead that it was time for me to fulfill the promise I made to my wife on that New Years night and make the move to Durham region, so she could be closer to her family which had recently moved there as well. I was also selfishly hoping we might get more support so we could deal with the problems we were facing. As luck would have it my contract was again extended so I would be able to continue working from home and continue to watch my son grow up and help my wife through the rough patch.

Although our new place was a little bit more expensive, it was much bigger and gave us both room to breath and things were okay again while we kept busy setting things up. The move seemed to give us the fresh start we were looking for, and my wife restarted taking one of her medications for the anxiety she was feeling and to battle the nervousness of being in a new and strange place.

Once we had set things up and were no longer busy and had gotten back to our regular routines, my wife and I started casually drinking again. However as time went on, it became more and more often and the old arguements started to re-occur. This time however, I knew that the medication she had restarted was absolutely not to be mixed with alcohol at the same time, but I did nothing to stop it. I was abusing it just as much and because of this I will always blame myself for what ended up happening.